What intimacy means to a man depends on his personality, upbringing, attachment style, and socialization. One of the men I spoke to said, “What intimacy means is a personal thing. Saying “this is what men think intimacy is” is a huge generalization.”
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Nevertheless, there is a widespread generalization that men put a lot more importance on the physical side of intimacy than women. Society has historically expected men to be strong and emotionless, and “toxic masculinity” teaches us that a man is weak when he shows emotions and talks about his feelings. The old “boys don’t cry” narrative.
This way of thinking may create a vicious cycle as men may feel they cannot express themselves authentically and struggle to open up because they’re worried that they’ll be perceived as weak and, therefore, “less manly”.
As a result, they may suppress their emotions and focus more on sex to feel intimate, which then perpetuates the stereotype that men are “only interested in the sex” and “don’t have any emotions”. Or maybe it’s true, and most men are naturally inclined to favor physical intimacy over emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential types of intimacy. What do men have to say about this? Does their idea of intimacy involve all aspects of intimacy? Or are they only interested in sex, as is commonly believed?
I spoke to eight guys about what intimacy means to them, what makes them feel more intimate, and what gets in the way of intimacy. Here’s a summary of their responses.
What Enhances Intimacy for Men?
Intimacy encompasses closeness, trust, understanding, connection, familiarity, mutual affection, physical touch, and sex. All these factors were important to the men I spoke to, and for most of them, there wasn’t a single factor that was more valuable than the others – true intimacy contains them all.
For many men, intimacy involves an exclusive emotional and physical bond, marked by open communication, vulnerability and trust. It’s a safe space to access admiration and affection. The physical and emotional intimately interconnect, allowing men to lower their guard away from outside pressures.
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Physical Touch and Sex
It’s commonly believed that for men, sex and emotional connection are separate things.
However, the men I spoke to think that sex and physical closeness are important for intimacy, and I’m sure it’s the same for many women.
Ricky said, “Sex is important. It’s always special to get intimate with someone you love.”
Marlin agreed, “For me, intimacy is about feeling physically connected with someone.
Physical touch is definitely one of my love languages.”
Why is sex important?
In Jason’s opinion, “When bodies work together and match each other, that feels very intimate because you’re in tune with each other.”
Andy thinks it’s about vulnerability, “You’re vulnerable when you’re having sex with someone, so it creates a kind of connection and familiarity. But it’s more than sex, it’s also things like being the small spoon or the leaner on the sofa.”
He added, “But of course, a random, joyous, and intense sexual experience is incredibly intimate.”
Eric had a different opinion, “Honestly, I don’t think sex is necessary for intimacy at all. It’s taken a long time for me to understand that intimacy doesn’t require sex. Really, it’s a porn problem because, subconsciously, it cheapens intimacy and suppresses the emotions you need to really connect with someone and experience real intimacy.
It’s true that watching too much porn (especially of a certain type) is unhealthy on many levels, including for your ability to experience intimacy by having sex. In most porn, sex is just entertainment and depicted as a purely physical thing.
Sex is, of course, a physical act, but from my conversations, it’s clear that men do appreciate the emotional and spiritual closeness sex can bring.
So maybe we can conclude that “Intimacy is way beyond sex – but of course, that’s part of it too,” as Rasheed put it.
- Sex and physical touch are important. Communicate about your sex life and be creative.
- Be comfortable around each other, let your guard down, and allow a man to be himself.
- Ask the man in your life how he would like to be supported. Maybe he just wants a hug from time to time; maybe he wants to be able to speak his mind without interruption or interpretation.
- Find out what his love language is.
- Take an interest in his interests.
- Practice active listening.
- Little acts of kindness go a long way.
- Do fun things together, make new memories, go on an adventure, invite him out on a date – create shared experiences.
- Encourage and support the men in your life. Tell them when they’ve done something well, express your gratitude, and provide words of affirmation.
- Don’t make a man feel like his worth is dependent on his earnings and “alpha status”.
- Protect him and have his back.
- If you’re a person who laughs or gags when you see a man cry, it’s time for some introspection. We all have a responsibility to provide the space for men to share their inner worlds and experience intimacy.
- Communicate openly and honestly about how you feel – don’t resort to passive-aggressiveness and mind games.
- If you’re a parent of boys, encourage them to be open and express their emotions.
- Respect his boundaries. You can’t force someone to be more emotionally open – build trust and allow him to open up in his own time. Provide the space for him to do that without judgment.
- Sex and physical touch are important. Communicate about your sex life and be creative.
- Be comfortable around each other, let your guard down, and allow a man to be himself.
- Ask the man in your life how he would like to be supported. Maybe he just wants a hug from time to time; maybe he wants to be able to speak his mind without interruption or interpretation.
- Find out what his love language is.
- Take an interest in his interests.
- Practice active listening.
- Little acts of kindness go a long way.
- Do fun things together, make new memories, go on an adventure, invite him out on a date – create shared experiences.
- Encourage and support the men in your life. Tell them when they’ve done something well, express your gratitude, and provide words of affirmation.
- Don’t make a man feel like his worth is dependent on his earnings and “alpha status”.
- Protect him and have his back.
- If you’re a person who laughs or gags when you see a man cry, it’s time for some introspection. We all have a responsibility to provide the space for men to share their inner worlds and experience intimacy.
- Communicate openly and honestly about how you feel – don’t resort to passive-aggressiveness and mind games.
- If you’re a parent of boys, encourage them to be open and express their emotions.
- Respect his boundaries. You can’t force someone to be more emotionally open – build trust and allow him to open up in his own time. Provide the space for him to do that without judgment.